Fortunately there is a way to make the possibility of a breakup less daunting: create community around yourselves.įor sure, you should each have a confidant or two-kink-involved friends with whom you speak regularly about your D/s journey. And from discussions with subs who've lost cherished doms, I do know that it can be a heart-rending experience, though none of them had been permanently damaged by it. You can also get feedback on your space-holding from your partner later on.īut sadly, relationships do fail, so there is a risk that fears of abandonment will be realized. The art of holding space for a grieving partner takes patience and practice you'll get better at it with time. Remember that you can't fix whatever is broken in them, you can only hold the space for them while they go through their healing process. If your loved one's grief makes you at all uncomfortable, keep in mind that that's about whatever their emotions trigger in your own psyche, not a reaction they're causing you to have. If the teller needs to hear something specific from you, they'll usually ask. There's nothing in particular you need to say, beyond, "OK" or "I hear you" or "You're doing great". laughing, trembling) simply smile at them fondly and offer a warm witness to their process. If they fight back tears, or break down sobbing, or show other signs of emotional release (e.g. If they pause when the story becomes hard to tell, gently urge them to keep going, when they're ready. When listening to a loved one tell a difficult story from their past, you can help by focusing on its events and urging them to return to them if they head off on a tangent. Recounting such stories from your life is bonding, and when a story taps into a well of pent-up grief, it's cathartic. But it is often healing to identify sources of grief from your history, and tell one's partner about how they formed. So there may be no quick way to quiet internal voices warning of impending loss. Painful experiences at that age create lasting impressions about how the world treats you. Many people, men and women, vanilla and kinky, have abandonment fears,ĭue to previous experiences with parents, close friends, or lovers.Ībandonment issues that form in childhood due to neglectful parenting are What then, can one do to allay the fear of such a disaster, or at least make its aftermath survivable?Īssuming a healthy relationship, the most common reason to fear losing one's partner has nothing to do with the partnership, it has to do with the past. Yet doing so presents the possibility that such a world might crumble, casting its denizens into cold, black space. So it can't be categorically unhealthy to aspire to create a new world with your lover. I myself find this notion to be immensely appealing, and deeply romantic. However, couples which identify themselves as master/slave, daddy/girl, owner/property, or even simply monogamous dom/sub, tend to be expressing an intent to create their own world together, instead of a merely open border between separate lands. Naturally, kinky people span this spectrum as much as vanillas. Attempting to pair yourself with someone of the other tendency is a recipe for failure. The fact is, some people are suited to extremely close, merging relationships, and others to more distant engagements. And we wonder why so many marriages end in divorce! Visitors may cross the frontier into the other country, but necessarily return to their native land, the sovereignty and territorial integrity of which must be defended to the last. It's a poor term outside that context how could two people simply depending on each other be a bad thing?) It seems to me that the consensus of self-appointed experts about what constitutes healthy closeness in a romantic relationship is that which you find between two nations which share a border. Yet her fear is not unfounded losing a beloved dom can be shattering to a sub.ĭ/s practices can create a closeness which vanilla relationship gurus would label "unhealthy" or "co-dependent" (The latter term comes from the substance abuse recovery community, where the wife of an alcoholic, for example, is thought to be as dependent on the abuse of alcohol as her husband is on the substance itself. Imagining the loss of a partner can be a huge impediment to a trusting and deep relationship. I could almost taste her fear through his words. Intention of leaving but her thoughts really concern me. Would fall apart, and she couldn't survive without me. Her (she sees that other doms leave their subs). My little girl depends on me for a great deal, which I know is normal.īut often she expresses that she is terrified if I were to ever leave Then a few days ago, a reader sent me this touching request: I took a break from regular blogging recently because work demands (I'm a computing entrepreneur) had consumed my attention.
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